The Holy Grail

Last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams where you wake up at the end of it and feel like it really happened and annoyed that you missed the end of it because you woke up. I awoke at 8am (ish) was wide awake and my whole body felt tense and stiff, as if Id just been involved in something really intense.

so what was the dream? I hear you asking, well it was nothing really dramatic. I dreamt I was at some sort of youth group, I know I knew people in the group but I cant remember who they were. I wasnt the youth worker responsible for the group as I was introduced as a guest by the youth worker, again I recognised him but I cant remember who it was.

The youth group was debating prayer, and I was sat there listening getting really frustrated at the way the debate was going. Everything everyone was saying just seemed to be frustrating me for some reason (again I cant remember what they were saying or why I was getting frustrated). Suddenly I had had enough and I decided to say my piece and basicaly I started talking about prayer and how Jesus taught us to pray by using the Lords prayer, this got shot down by one youth who completely disagreed with me but wouldnt let me explain that I wasnt talking about just saying it it was about using it as guidance thing on how to pray (see my recent sermon entitled "teach us to pray" which is linked ---> ). she eventually let me finish my point and someone else argued against what i was saying and every time i tried to answer a point someone else said something to stop me making it. Just as I was about to say something I woke up.

Now whilst I dont know why I had that dream last night (as the sermon was one written and used ages ago so wasnt fresh in my mind) I did think it may have meant something. I could be reading too much into it but I think maybe it could be God reminding me that I preach that prayer is important but fail to do it as much as I should. I preach that spending time with God is vital and yet I do that even less than I pray. So maybe the reason I woke up feeling so frustrated and tense is because thats the way my relationship with God is, Im not having the debates with other christians to challenge and discredit/build upon my ideas the way I did when I was a church youth worker, Im not even challenging myself as much, and maybe Im not even letting God challenge me as much when Im awake and so hes started doing it when Im asleep.

or maybe it was just a dream.

Ive also just watched The Davinchi Code for the first time, and this made me think a bit as well. The idea is based on the Holy Grail and how the church has hidden the Grail as it could destroy the church as we know it because The Grail would change findamental facts about Jesus. (Obviously this film/book is just good fiction - with no fact to it!) Well this stirred me a bit more about the dream I had and to think about how in reality the Holy Grail which we all aim to discover is not actually hidden and is something which I personally have found, Jesus himself and the relationship he has enabled us to have with God. The problem is This Grail is ignored by me sometimes because its not hidden. We search and search for things when we cant find them but when they are right infront of our noses we take them for advantage - which is why the hunt for the holy grail is often seen as more interesting than using the Grail we have already found.

So yeah as I write this I realise this is more a prayer, Lord help me to polish the Grail every day, to have a relationship with you so that I dont wake up frustrated again because I can hear you when Im awake rather than having to rely on you stirring me in my dreams.

Amen

I guess the main problem I have is there are certain areas of my life which I have issues with which get in the way of my relationship with God. I have 1 particular issue which is an addiction and it keeps coming back, and I think that probably is why I dreamt the dream as it came up last night and once again temptation got into the way.

I know God forgives me but I need his help to stop it as it does stop me from getting close to him. So I need God to give me power as I cant get patches for my addiction lol.

On none spiritual front the last week has been great, Ive felt like Ive had a social life, and have met people who may give me a social life over the next few months, problem is most of them leave the country in a few months then il be back to square one lol.

was great to see Cashew and Fruity on Saturday, was great to celebrate my mates birthday by going for a meal with him and others followed by his foirst ever experience of a nightclub, and works been going well as well - altho The dream did make me remember that I miss the debates etc which I used to encourage with the youth in my last job.

Anyways this is a lengthy blog and if youve read this far well done.

Oh one last thing - well done Steph on getting your new job at The Emerits, will be praying for you and will try to get over to see you before you fly off to dubai but if I dont (which is likely) I expect to be informed of the discount tickets to Dubai so that I can come see you. Well Done!

Bye everyone, dont forget to comment on my ramblins (and to read my sermons and comment on them too lol)

The next blog from me

My last blog seems to have created the impression that I am moping around after my ex almost a year after we split up. I just wish to clarify - before I go on, that I am not crying myself to sleep or anything. I truely am happy that she is out of my life, so thankyou all for your messages of support, it means a lot that people care, but be assured that I have moved on, and was only feeling weird on that day because I had heard the news and found it weird.

Now thats sorted on with the blog.

This week has been a strange week as it has been exactly 2 years since I moved to Harborough, and so there were quite a few moments of reflecting on the past, present and future.

Workwise everythings flying, The Cube is going well, the supervisory board is happy, the young people respect me and some do see me as a confidant etc.

Socially im in a strange place. All my close friends are scattered around Britain and I barely ever see them, infact my best friend I havent seen for at least a year if not longer.

I went out for lunch with someone who i sort of class as a spirtual mentor - I used to ring him whenever something was going wrong and i felt really bad etc etc and he probably knows more about my past than anyone else in Harborough. Well I hadnt met with him for over a year (which i guess means that the last year hasnt been emotionaly bad) and over lunch he asked me a few hard hitting questions.

What changes would i like in my life in the next 2 years?
How can I get there?
where work wise do I want to go?

The first one was answered with laughter and the answer ive given plenty of times before - I want a network of friends living near me, and posibly a partner (in the romantic sense)

The second one involves changing the way I live. I need to get out of the house when im not working, find a way of meeting people, and yeah well ive no idea lol. He suggested I get a housemate - however ive lived on my own for 5 years now and enjoy my space - which i guess is part of the problem.

Work wise I dont know really so i wont bore you with my explorations.

Other things that have happened this week: -

I sent someone I really like a package which has sat around the house waiting to be sent, she ruined the point of it coz she opened everything in it on the same day when the theory of it is that each "gift" was unwrapped when needed, but she says she liked it and so I guess it achieved what it was meant to.

Market Harborough got closed down. You may have seen on the news how tescos had some sort of major incident which resulted in 14 stores getting closed, well Harboroughs store was one of them. The police then closed most of the towns shops and cordened off most of the roads which was really weird. rumours range from the most realistic bomb threat to the mass shooting and burgalry idea (*im sure there would be ambulances around if shootings were involved durrr). I took a pic on my phone of the police closing the roads etc and sent it to the bbc website expecting it to just appear on there, but no it was used every 15 minutes with my name being mentioned all night. The amount of texts and phone calls from people asking was it me was hilarious. The town was back to normal today tho.

Church this morning was weird. You know when you walk into the church and take part in worship and start looking around to see a sea of white hair and as much as you try to focus on worshipping God you start to wonder why you go and whether you belong there or not. So yeah I need to pray and work out if i truely am where God wants me to be.

Tonight I led a service and preached on prayer etc and realised what I knew already - that I dont do enough of it. service went well as usual, but if i leave my church then this area will be stopped so this all effects my decisions.

Finally right now im feeling blugh. Think I just am preparing myself for the busiest 6 weeks of the year work wise. I love youth work but sometimes I wonder if its ruining my life.

Anyways so much stuff in here so i will stop. please pray for all the stuff youve read above, but please remember overall im in a good mood and am happy so dont send me lots of sympathetic messages - however i love hearing from you all so do comment and say what you want to say (and if it has to be sympathetic so be it!)

by for now

a year is a long tgime

This time last year I was engaged - the person who I was engaged to is moving in with her current boyfriend tomorow.

how do I feel about this? well I feel weird. Shes sort of still a friend, although shes one of those friends who I dont really like that much - you know the ones, you all have them, but you never admit it! Im glad things didnt work out, coz she was not (and posibly is not) as nice a person when you get to know her as she appears. She treated me like dirt, used me for all she could get, and basicaly kept playing games for a long time - even after we split up. So why does it remotely bother me that shes moving in with someone else?

If I was speaking to someone else and they were saying all this Id reply - coz she was a big part of your life, you thought she was going to be with you til death so its natural to feel weird. Id also say your better off without her. and well yeah bascialy I know all this. So why do I still feel a pang of jealousy - not coz I havent got her - I dont want her - so why?

I think its mainly to do with the fact that a year is a long time and it annoys me that the "evil" (sorry only word i can think of to be polite) person has moved on and got a new guy, getting a new house, is apparently in love and is seemingly happily forming a great family life (yes I know i cant truely know whats going on). whereas I am almost in the same situation as I was a year ago. Without going into the whole thing and all my past romances etc it does make me think that the nice guys finish last idea is actually true.

my last post (written about an hour ago) was me trying to get myself looking at the positives of the future, and thats what im trying to do but in the back of my mind theres these small things nigling at me :-

am I too nice/too much of a pushover to ever be more than a friend?
am I destined to be the pick up guy - to pick people up after bad times until they get back on track and can find someone who they really want?
how come in a year for me nothing much changes but for others everything does.

im not down, more annoyed that this stuff stops me truely trusting people, annoyed that when people talk about love I dont think its possible to be real, and annoyed that im still bothered by an ex who i dont love or like.

anyways moans over ignore me!

this week

This last week has been a weird week, mainly because a few massive things have happened which have major effects on my future.

It bagan like most weeks with a Monday (well technicaly Sunday is the begining of the week but I never class that as being the real begining of the week). I had a meeting with my supervisory board at 9am, a meeting I had requested to come up with a vision for the next 3 years of The Cube. This meeting went fairly well, especially after I managed to get them to move away from talking about specifics and start talking about aims and objectives.

After the meeting finished I started working on putting meat on the bones and spent 3 hours developing a strategy document for the next 3 years, basicaly using the agreed aims to develop objectives. so now I have the knowledge of the next 3 years aims and objectives and in the next week will be developing the method of how to get there in a bit more detail.

The next big thing that happened was I subscribed to Sky TV - yes finally I will have more than 4 channels. How do I afford this? well thanks to a refund from British Gas and a bit of maths which made me realise I would only be paying about £5-10 more than I pay now to get the tv, phone and internet package - so all good.

Finally during a drunken chat with someone I discovered things which were hard to believe and when in context of what I said at the end of my last blog backs up exactly what I said. cryptic - yes but thats all your getting from me!

so Workwise I know where Im going, just not how Im getting there.
Social wise - I know Il never be leaving the house again - but at least Il have Sky sports of comfort
and well other things look positive too.

I think maybe this blog thing is taking a back seat at the moment coz lifes so busy. but hope this satusfies all your wants and needs for a little while.

bye for now.

a PJ Day

Ive had a pajama day today! For those people who dont know what one of those are its a day that you get out of bed and dont bother getting washed or dressed and just stay in your bed clothes for the whole day.

yes i stink!

Other than that I have sat infront of my tv and watched the Dianna concert, and whilst the show itself was a mix of the cack and the brilliant the whole thing got me thinking about how one persons death can effect millions of people in such a way that 10 years after she dies a concert remembering her gets shown in almost every country in the world.

That obviously got me thinking of Jesus and his death, and the bit that often gets forgotten about - coz he "died for our sins" - his RESURECTION! I mean doesnt it speak volumnes that a woman dies in a tragic accident in France and every country broadcasts a show about her 10 years later but in some countries a God who died for a reason - a reason that was nothing to do with him, was to do with us, cant be talked about without fear of persecution!

Then theres the fact that tickets for this concert sold out in minutes wheras theres empty pews in the churches because of people like me being too tired to give up a rare day off to worship the person who saved us.

The thing is Im not sure God minds. Obviously he minds about the first point, and he wants us to fight for the right to party (or worship) and for the right for all to do the same, but Im not sure if he minds when we have a day in bed or whatever because he wants us to worhsip him 24/7/365 not just in the church building on a Sunday. Maybe its just me talking myself out of guilt or maybe not.

The song thats just finished on the show is "are you ready for love?" and i think thats a good a place to stop as any, are we ready for love? will we accept love? will we show love? will love be our lives?

if the answer to all these questions are yes then we will be worshiping God 24/7/365 and so God wont mind the odd Sunday PJ day, if the answers are yes then we will be fighting injustices and for the right for all to worship God, and if the answers are yes then we are having a true relationship with him.

if the answer is no to any of the questions then we need to work on that to change it. The big problem tends to be accepting love - i know it is for me - God can move mountains and so helping you to change your answers is certainly possible if u ask him.

so are you ready? are you ready for love?